30 Dec THE GOOD, HARD WORK OF BOUNDARIES (Day 6 – Remembering Your Fierce Heart Series)
Oh the lovely world of BOUNDARIES. Yuck and Yum all at the same time, right?
Day 6 – The Good, Hard Work of Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is challenging for most people. It’s especially hard for holistically inclined women, because we want to merge and connect – with everything. For some of us, learning to set healthy boundaries will be the undertaking of our lifetime.
A couple years ago I was reading a part in a somatic sexuality guide book and I was blown away to read their definition of a Boundary:
“A Boundary is ANYTHING that you need/want to help you feel safe. There does not have to be any logical reason at all for you to set a boundary.”
Meaning, if there is something that you want/need for yourself to feel safe, good, healthy, sane then it’s a boundary!
-I’d like to stay home tonight in my PJ’s.
-I feel anxious when you speak with that tone. Please choose another voice.
-I’m going to do the school events that sound fun and nothing else.
-I promise to return your email in 48 hours. (even if they say it’s urgent)
These are all valid boundaries.
However, I’ve learned that there is such think as Boundary Overkill!
As Danielle LaPorte says in her book White Hot Truth, great video below (oh. I love her voice)
“Boundaries are not the same as barriers. Whereas boundaries are proactively on the offense, barriers are hyperactively on the defense.”
Think of it this way: boundaries are like a fence with a gate – the energy can come and go and you have space to roam freely. It helps you to feel safe and have more peace.
Barriers are like a heavy shield that you have to drag around with you all of the time, ready to defend yourself. Being on guard all the time is anxiety-producing . It feels a bit like, “You can’t take anything from me.”
Barriers are guards that keeps others out. Where as a boundary keeps you feeling good so that you can give more of yourself. Boundaries protect your well being, joy, and presence.
Let’s face it, we are not as present when we really don’t want to be doing something. When you honor your boundaries, you give your YES you are giving it fully, and you are fully there.
Even still boundaries, take some practice to uphold. I remember as I started learning about boundaries (because I never really had any) I went a bit overboard, and then others times in my life they were to flimsy. As we practice we can find out how to honor ourselves and hopefully the other person.
There are however times that your boundary might hurt someone, piss someone off.
You may offend someone and your heart will break for them. You will create what is very counter to the New Age Vibe – disharmony. Often as we are “re-training” those around us it might get messy and hard before it’s better.
Truth is that it’s easier for others when you don’t have any boundaries, but they don’t get the best version of you so it’s all worth it in the end.
When you let people take advantage of you, when you ignore the mismatch between their actions and their words, when you let someone call you things that are not, you are disrespecting your TRUTH. That is the ultimate disharmony and you protecting their heart over your own.
You want to be fierce, loving, and harmonious? Respect your ideals. Look up to yourself. Raise your standards for Love, and the Universe will meet you there.
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